How to Stop Your CATS Fanfics from Sucking so Hard
by pouncii
Summary: Jennyanydots gives a wonderful lesson about how not to suck as a writer. "Maybe the reason nobody is reading or reviewing your work is because you don't pay attention in school," she says. (And then everyone goes to Eighties Night at the club.)
1. Don't suck

**Author's Note:**

Everybody listen up.

First things first, hi. I'm pouncii, and I am not the best writer in the world. I make mistakes.

That being said - recently, I have noticed an influx of newer writers, and honestly, some of you guys are terrible. There is no nicer way to say it.

I am talking specifically about common mistakes that are made due to **laziness**. Also, I do not mean to offend by using the word "suck". Please take my advice with a grain of salt. I wrote it while upset.

I want to help you. Let's help each other.

"Technically", we are only allowed to post fanfics here (even though SOME PEOPLE don't understand that rule). So I have "technically" turned my frustration-fueled PSA into a fanfic.

Here we go.

* * *

Jennyanydots cleared her throat for the second time, arms crossed, glaring at her students who were dozing off in their desks. Their lack of interest was obvious, but if there was one thing she was good at, it was waking people up.

"WAKE UP!" She screamed, and everyone jumped.

Her tap shoes clicked across the floor as she retrieved her pointer, which teachers don't use anymore, but should.

On the chalkboard (which teachers also don't use anymore) was written in big letters: How to stop your CATS fanfics from sucking so hard 101. And it was underlined, just like that. Written underneath those big letters was a numbered list.

"Rule number one!" Jennyanydots shouted, causing everyone to jump again. "Pouncival, would you like to read it?"

"Not really," came the mumbled reply from the desk that was front and center, definitely not because he's the author's favorite.

Jennyanydots promptly pointed the pointer at Pouncival, and not because the author loves alliteration.

**"Fine. 'Have an actual plot. And don't steal one from someone else. If you can't think of a plot, don't write a fanfic. Go outside.'"** Pouncival said monotonously while remaining incredibly adorable.

"Electra, read rule number two."

Electra's head shot up at the mention of her name, a line of drool connecting her face to the desk. **"'Write as if you were writing for school. I'm not even joking. Use proper capitalization and punctuation. Avoid run-on sentences. If you're old enough to be on the Internet, you're old enough to have taken English/grammar classes. If you don't like writing properly, don't write. Go outside.'"**

"Very good, Electra. Rumpleteazer, read rule number three."

"But my name can be spelled using L-E or E-L," she whined, as you imagine her accent in your head because the author can't be arsed and thinks that writing accents phonetically is difficult and distracting. She continued. **"'Learn how to spell the cats' names correctly, for Heaviside's sake.'"**

"Don't curse, Rumpleteazer."

"But you told me to read-"

"Don't talk back, Rumpleteazer." Jennyanydots said. "Rule number four, please, Tumblebrutus."

**"'Avoid a giant wall of text by hitting the 'enter' key. Make paragraphs. Don't make our eyes fall out.'"** Tumblebrutus adjusted his glasses. He had to get glasses because he read a fanfic without any line breaks and his eyes almost fell out.

"Rules number five and six were written especially for Skimbalurinadots. Skimbalurinadots, will you please read it to the class?" Jennyanydots asked sweetly.

"She doesn't even go here," jeered Plato from the back of the room.

Jennyanydots pursed her lips. "Don't steal quotes from _Mean Girls_," she snapped.

Skimbalurinadots stood. **"'Don't write a fanfic centering on an OC (especially a Mary-Sue) and expect everyone to be interested. We don't know who that is.'"**

She frowned, feeling worthless, and then moved on to rule number six.

**"'While we're on that subject, don't rip parts of the cats' names to make a name for your OC. It means you aren't creative, and probably shouldn't be writing fanfiction. Tumbleteazer, Jemisto, Skimbalurinadots... don't do that.'"**

Skimbalurinadots burst into tears and ran out of the classroom. Nobody cared.

Jennyanydots began to tap dance for no reason.

Victoria raised her hand. "What are the most common mistakes that these newer writers make?"

Pouncival smiled because that kind of rhymed. Victoria smiled back at him because they are the author's favorite ship.

"Good question." Jennyanydots tap danced over to Mistoffelees. "Mistoffelees, would you be a dear and help me with this next part?"

Mistoffelees waved his magic wand - wait, sorry. Wrong fandom. Mistoffelees waved his hand, because the author writes the cats with primarily human characteristics, and something new appeared on the chalkboard.

"Ugh," Victoria grimaced. "It's written in Comic Sans."

Mistoffelees turned red. "Oops. Sorry." With another wave of his hand, he fixed that horrible mistake.

"Thank you, Mistoffelees." Jennyanydots tap danced back toward the center of the classroom. "Here is an example of something that makes the author click the 'x' on her browser and then cry about how the Cats fandom is falling apart while eating Nutella straight from the jar with her fingers."

On the board in a legible font was written:

* * *

**Skimbalurinadots asked "what are we going to do misto" and Misto said " The same thing we do every night, Skimbalurinadots" while holding her close "Take over the world"**

* * *

Everyone made retching noises and someone probably even had a seizure.

"We are going to fix this monstrosity as a team. Anyone care to explain why this sucks so hard?" Jennyanydots asked, and everyone simultaneously replied, "That's what she said."

Pouncival raised his hand. "HER NAME SUCKS. Let's call her... Leonidas. Yeah. She's a dude now."

"USE PUNCTUATION WITHIN QUOTES OH MY GOD!" Victoria chimed in.

"Use capital letters, you lazy sack of…" Rumpleteazer glanced at Jennyanydots. "... beans."

"My name is Mistoffelees. Skimbalurinadots can call me Misto, but the author should call me Mistoffelees," Mistoffelees mentioned majestically.

"AND DON'T STEAL QUOTES FROM _PINKY AND THE BRAIN_!" Pouncival added, in all caps.

Jennyanydots beamed with pride. "Tugger, since you're here for some reason, can you help me revise the quote using what we have learned?"

"I'd be honored," Tugger said. He approached the chalkboard and thrust his hips suggestively. The revised sentence appeared somehow, and it looked like this:

* * *

**"What are we going to do?" Leonidas asked.**

**"The same thing we do every Thursday night, Leonidas." Mistoffelees said, holding him close. "Party at Club Jellybean. It's Eighties Night."**

* * *

"EIGHTIES NIGHT!" Everyone shouted.

"All right, you crazy kids. Run along!" Jennyanydots said.

"Take On Me" by a-ha suddenly started playing out of nowhere, and everyone rushed out to party.

**THE END.**


	2. Par-tay

**Author's Note:**

So I guess this is a thing now. I would like to thank those of you who suggested I add more, and I would also like to thank Quiffin for contributing to and inspiring this chapter.

This wasn't meant to offend anyone. Like I said, I am guilty of making mistakes as well, so don't think I'm being a bully or pointing anyone out. (See? I ended a sentence with a preposition, which is bad!)

NOW LET'S BOOGIE.

* * *

Let me tell you. Eighties Night was poppin' - much like the button on Bustopher Jones' trousers as he waddled out of his favorite restaurant and into the line that had formed in front of Club Jellybean.

Of course, this was not his first time at the club. He had actually mistaken Club Jellybean for a candy store, but had been too embarrassed to leave once he found out, so he just went along with it.

"Good evening, Mr. Jones." Munkustrap greeted, looking down at the clipboard in his hand. "I'm sorry to tell you this at such short notice, but we had to close the private party room for renovations."

Bustopher's jaw dropped. "But why?!" He exclaimed in utter disappointment.

"We mistakenly put a new fanfic author in charge of advertising Ladies' Night. **She covered the walls in posters that said, 'Lady's Night' - as in, the singular possessive form. Not the plural possessive form.**"

Bustopher gasped at the horror.

"Yeah. It was bad," Munkustrap continued. "Alonzo was the only one to show up, because, in his words, 'One lady is better than no ladies, am I right?'"

Bustopher turned around and waddled away (probably to another restaurant).

Next in line was Demeter! Dear, dramatic Demeter, on her way from the theatre! Her love didn't meet her! But it's not that he's a jerk! He just had to go to work!

"Demeter!" Munkustrap shouted! He was dumbfounded! "My dear Demeter! You can't be here! You've been banned! You're no cheater! Take my hand! Follow the leader! Let's leave this town before you're found!"

Then, fanfic author Quiffin burst through the door! She could not handle the madness anymore!

"**Will you STOP using exclamation points outside of dialogue?!**" she shouted, and the two were ashamed that they'd been outed. "And will you stop rhyming?!" She was so angry that her face was nearly purple. Because nothing rhymes with purple. "Go home, Demeter. You were banned from Club Jellybean for **excessive use of ellipses**, remember?"

"But... Quiffin…" Demeter said… approaching her cautiously… "You must unban me… I… have gotten better… at controlling… my… ellipses…"

Quiffin gathered the excessive amount of ellipses, loaded them into her pellet gun, and chased Demeter down the street.

**(Author's note: Hi! Pouncii here, interrupting your regularly-scheduled fanfic to tell you something that you probably already know or don't care about. As you know, because you can obviously read, we are at a club. A nightclub. Club Jellybean. Aaaand iiiitttt's EEEIGHTIIIES NIIIGHTTT! WOOHOO! *dances obnoxiously and uncomfortably close to you*)**

Club Jellybean was just as exciting on the inside, and not just because minors are allowed to sit at the bar.

Tumblebrutus sat at the bar, squinting hard at his iPad screen through his glasses.

"What, can I get for, you Tumblebrutus?"

Tumblebrutus looked up, frowning. "Oh. Hey, Comma-Illiterate-Coricopat. Give me your strongest. Maybe if I'm drunk, I'll be able to understand what you're saying, and maybe I'll also be able to read this fanfic without wanting to punch the author in the face."

Coricopat grinned. "You know, I can't give you, anything but, juice. You're underage but here's what I do have orange apple grapefruit."

Tumblebrutus stared at him blankly. "What?"

"I, said I can't give you, anything but, juice…"

"Yeah, yeah. Grapefruit. Just stop talking." Tumblebrutus returned to his fanfic, **mumbling to himself about how much he hates when people misuse commas**.

Mistoffelees took the seat next to him and glanced at his iPad. "Oh, I've read that one. It sucks. **I can't believe the author called me 'Mistoffelee's'. He took out the 's', then just stuck it back on with an apostrophe**."

"Tell me about it," Tumblebrutus said. "He even had the nerve to put, '**If I don't get at least five reviews, I'm going to quit writing.' **And you know what's worse? **He left himself five reviews "anonymously", **so he isn't going to quit after all."

Mistoffelees shook his head slowly in disappointment. "Come on. Let's dance."

"I'm fine where I am," Tumblebrutus said. "I can see someone's terrible OC dancing up on Tugger, and it looks like Bombalurina has Quiffin's pellet gun."

"Uh oh!" **The camera (just go with it) panned in on Mistoffelees' face dramatically, leaving the reader in suspense…**

* * *

**Pouncii: HEY GUYS! I'M BAAAAACK!**

**Macavity: I'm in a bad mood. Could you maybe shut up?**

**Pouncii: Why are you so mean to me?! Just kidding. Everyone thinks you're evil, but I know you're just misunderstood! *pinches Macavity's cheeks* **(DISCLAIMER: I definitely do not think this at all. I think he's a complete psycho.)

**Macavity: Ah, for the love of…**

**Alonzo: Hey hey hey! Just poppin' in for absolutely no reason at all. I have nothing to contribute, but I sure am cool. I'm a cool dude. *puts on shades like the dudiest dude who ever duded***

**Pouncii: Isn't it cute that I'm just chillin' with the cool cats in my author's notes? Does that make me cool? Is "chillin' with the cool cats" a cool thing to say? Because I feel pretty cool right about now.**

**Macavity: *side eyes emoji***

**Pouncii: Hey 'Zo (what a cool nickname!), can I borrow your shades?**

**Alonzo: Sure! Anything for the best author ever! You sure are swell!**

**Pouncii: Aww, thanks, 'Lonz (seriously, are there any uncool nicknames for this guy?)!**

**Macavity: Hey, Al (found one), if you could just shut up and go dude somewhere else, that would be great. I'm trying to sulk.**

**Pouncii: Wow! This is a really long author's note! It's like the length of half my fic! HAHAHA! TYPICAL ME! I'M SO QUIRKY! BYE BYE!**

**... THE END... (SO SUSPENSFUL!) ...**


	3. Mexican food

**Author's Note**:

For my third and final trick, I shall attempt to give a few more tips without being biting and sarcastic.

Again, my goal is to help newer writers gain readers and reviews - not to discourage them from writing. Please do not feel discouraged or offended. I am here to help!

Grammar! Spelling! Plot! Substance! Readability! By your powers combined, I am CAPTAIN POUNCII! (Captain Pouncii, she's our hero! Gonna take bad fanfics down to zero! Does anybody else remember Captain Planet? Or am I too old to be here?)

* * *

Around 10 o'clock, Jennyanydots answered the door in her tiger-striped, leopard-spotted off-brand blanket with sleeves.

"Victoria! I thought you had gone to Eighties Night with everyone else?" She asked, stepping aside to let her in.

"How could I party at a time like this?" Victoria exclaimed, plopping down on the couch. "The CATS fandom needs our help, and fast!" She retrieved a notebook from her bag. "I have some questions written down here that new writers need help with!"

"'With which new writers need help', Dearie," Jennyanydots corrected.

Victoria raised an eyebrow. "But that sounds - nevermind. The first question is, '**Why is it better to use a character's full name instead of a nickname outside of dialogue?**'"

Jennyanydots sat down beside Victoria, took her notebook, and began to write an answer underneath the first question. "**That is just a suggestion**. In my personal opinion, a fanfic flows better when the characters are referred to by their full first names outside of dialogue. **If you must use a nickname outside of dialogue, please keep it consistent** - otherwise you will end up with something like this."

* * *

**Old D cautiously approached the counter and sniffed at the box of tacos.**

"**Don't do it, Deut Loops!" The 'Lonz warned. "Jemmie bought those especially for Dem and Bal as a thank you for helping her with her French homework."**

**The Deutmeister scoffed. "Cats don't speak French!" He opened the box a tiny bit to take a peek.**

"**Au contraire, Diggity Deuty." Sir 'Lonzolot said, grabbing the box of tacos and holding them over his head out of Big Daddy Deut's reach.**

"**Just one! Please, just let me have one! I'm sure that Mimers won't mind. 'Meter and Shake Your Bom Bom won't miss just one taco. One delicious, spicy, crunchy…"**

**Al suddenly lost his balance, and the box of tacos went flying through the air, cheese and lettuce raining down like metaphorical cats and dogs.**

**Gutbuster Jones popped his head out from inside the trash can and opened his mouth, inhaling every last taco bit in the same manner a black hole would devour an unsuspecting star.**

"**NOOOOO!" Deuter-Ron-Burgundy wailed, as he, too, was sucked into the dark pit that was the stomach of Bustopher Jones: The Fat About Town.**

* * *

"The second question is, '**How do I write a summary so that people will want to read my fanfic?**'" Victoria asked.

"Ah, yes," Jennyanydots said. "**The first things a reader will notice are your title and summary. You must catch the reader's attention.** Here is an example of a bad title and a bad summary." She began to write.

* * *

**my cats fanfic about bobmalnurita - by Skimbalurinadots**

**its about bobmarulina im not good at summaries. just read it. i dont own cats.**

* * *

"That looks terrible," Victoria said flatly. "They clearly didn't put any effort into the title or the summary. That must mean that they put zero effort into the actual story, as well."

"That's exactly right, Dearie," Jennyanydots replied. "Skimbalurinadots has not provided the reader with any information whatsoever. Admitting that she is not good at summaries as an excuse to avoid writing a summary is a sign of laziness, which is likely to appear in the fic, as well. Here is an example of a good title and a good summary."

* * *

**Unscramble My Heart - by Skimbalurinadots**

**Old Deuteronomy finds himself craving a breakfast burrito at 2:00 in the afternoon, but Firefrorefiddle's has stopped serving breakfast four hours ago.**

* * *

"That looks much better!" Victoria said. "Now I'm eager to find out how Old Deuteronomy makes it through such a crisis."

"See? It's amazing what a difference a little effort can make. And because this is a fanfiction site, there is no reason to add a disclaimer about not owning CATS. It should be obvious. What is question number three?" Jennyanydots asked.

"'**What if English isn't the writer's native language?**'" Victoria read from the notebook.

"**These guidelines are for those whose grammatical errors, misspellings, and other mistakes are made due to laziness**," Jennyanydots replied. "I have read one fanfic by a Korean author which was written much better than some of the things I've seen written by native English speakers."

"That is what I assumed," Victoria said, closing the notebook. "I hope that writers both new and experienced can benefit from these suggestions."

"As do I," Jennyanydots said, smiling. "Want to go see if the mice I trained instead of ate for some reason will make us some breakfast burritos for a late night snack?"

Victoria nodded, and the two headed to kitchen, feeling confident and fulfilled.

The camera from chapter two pans out, and then zooms in on Bustopher Jones' face outside of Jennyanydots' window.

"Did somebody say 'breakfast burritos?'"

**THE END!**

**(P.S. If you write 'Unscramble My Heart' without crediting me for the idea, I will cut you)**


End file.
